Tom-ployment

Writer. Thinker. Jester. Broke.

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LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND IN THE PENNYSAVER 3!!!

WHIRLPOOL REFRIGERATOR 

Either that’s a brand or you and me are in for one hell of a ride.

OR this is what Kramer was going for:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XaudUAHZinw

ADULT DIAPERS…again

These ones are in “excellent condition.” 

FREE POKEMON CARDS

You had me at “free pokemon cards.” And you’re giving away “approx 50?” Listen bro, if you can’t be bothered to count to “approx 50” than you probably can’t be bothered to figure out what these things are actually worth! The owner must REALLY NEED the two measly inches of desk space it takes to “store” them. Or they’re all energies. Are those still a thing?

1 BEDROOM/1 BATH APT

Sounds pretty good…wait WHAT? “No pets?” Fuck you. And it’s on San Vicente Blvd? DOUBLE FUCK YOU!

Filed under pennysaver seinfeld lalife

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LOOK AT WHAT I FOUND IN THE PENNYSAVER 2

When I don’t have time to waste I MAKE THE TIME. 
I’ve started going through the Pennysaver and believe you me you—there are some GEMS

"Ladies Bright Red Wig"

This’ll be great for my Sansa Stark cosplay endeavor! Wait…

"Only worn once?" What does that mean? What the hell happened during that “once”? Why was it so horrible that the Ladies Bright Red Wig was never worn again?  

Or, they mean that it was only worn once by the previous owner…you see where I’m going with this? Because, “once” means a lifetime—

IT’S REAL FUCKING HUMAN HAIR!!!! 

Best Prices Viagra

I’m going to go for this. Not because I need it (ahem) but because whoever wrote the copy is a marketing genius.

“Best prices HUGE discounts”. I’m intrigued. And a little sweaty.

Whoever this guy is (and it’s a guy because c’mon), he’s the Don Draper of sketchy underground off the market drug sales.

Adult Diapers

For the discreet.

“Say Bill, where’d you get those smashin’ adult diapers?”

“Oh, the pennysaver Betty.”

PPPFFFFFFFTTTTTHHHH.

“…Excuse me one moment, Betty.”

I’m also going to go for these. I NEED to find out if “2 boxes and 1 pad” is worth $25. AND I’M GOING TO GET MY MONEY’S WORTH!

27’’ TV

“No remote?”

FUCK YOU.  

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LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN THE PENNYSAVER!!!

When I don’t have time to waste I MAKE THE TIME. 
I’ve started going through the Pennysaver and believe you me you—there are some GEMS

"Bottle Collection" 

Apparently, there’s still a niche market for avid collectors of “bottles,” whatever those are. Coke bottles? Baby Bottles? Bottlenose Dolphins? I hope it’s the latter, because this individual has 150 of them.

So I assume we’re dealing with some large organization. Maybe SeaWorld. Which means that some, if not all of these dolphins, are sadistic, human hating, attackers of attractive water park employees. I’m not familiar with “Ocean Law” (or Land Law for that matter), but I assume assault is like, a felony unda da sea? So, I’d say $99 is a little steep for a whole pod of cackling, hoop-jumping convicts. Although, you would have the makings for a new twist on the under-privileged-kids-get-reformed/educated-by-an-overly-passionate-and-caring-attractive-white-teacher-through-dance/singing/more money for public education-movie if one of us were to take them in and plan on some reforming/urban lessons of life.

Nah, sounds a little unrealistic.  

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Waynepocalypse 6

And now a brief break from texting with this brief text from Waynepocalypse, or as it’s known by it’s international title: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Just Wait for the Next X-men Movie Patiently and Without Too Much Excitement

That Friday night, the double date did not go as Gawd had planned for Wayne was nervous and getting way to drunk on 7-up Shooters and asking all the wrong questions.

Pauline whispered to Gawd: “He’s blowing it.” 

“I know.” Gawd said, for nothing may hide from the sight of Gawd—especially the cleavage from the cute brunette sitting by the window. “Did she just wink at me?” Gawd thought. “I think she just winked at me.”  

Finally, after Wayne started talking about his Fantastic Four figurines again, Gawd excused himself to the bathroom and rose, giving Wayne a “look”. But Wayne was too engrossed in describing the impressive level of detail on his 1967 model of “Battle Damaged Dr. Doom” to Woman to notice. And so, Gawd announced his intentions loudly again and this time more in Wayne’s general direction. Still, Wayne did not respond. Gawd coughed loudly and still Wayne did not respond. Finally, Gawd grabbed Wayne’s arm and pulled him from the table saying: “Wayne, didn’t you have to use the bathroom when we got here?” And Wayne mumbled “No, I—“ But Gawd covered Wayne’s stupid mouth with His merciful hand and saved Wayne from any more embarrassment whispering: “Shut your stupid mouth, stupid.” and they hustled off to the Little Boy’s Room.

In the Little Boy’s Room, Gawd shoved Wayne up against the wall and yelled: “Fantastic Four? Do you think Woman wants to hear about your stupid Fantastic Four Models?!” And Wayne mumbled: “But, they’re collectible—“ And Gawd shook Wayne again and said: “They’re crap! Your Sue Storm is a second edition.” And Wayne grew angry and took Gawd’s name in vain but Gawd pretended not to here him. “And your precious Johnny Storm has a scratch along the left index finger. Yeah.” And Wayne was overcome with panic: “I gotta get home!” he yelled.

But Gawd shook him again and got in his face. “Forget that shit!” Gawd raged.  

           And Gawd, being a merciful God and a pretty good wingman, decided he would help Wayne seal the deal. “Every time you say something stupid, I’ll kick your foot.”

           “There’s going to be a lot of kicking.” Wayne mumbled. And Gawd desperately nodded his agreement. 

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Waynepocalypse 5

And now, a poorly-worded blurb from the poorly blurbed novella: Waynepocalypse

So, Gawd created Woman for Wayne but Woman looked upon the face of Wayne and knew his shame and his massive collection of Fantastic Four figurines and she grew afraid and hid from Wayne. Gawd saw this, and being merciful, set up a double date for Himself, Pauline, Wayne, and Woman.

 Overjoyed, Gawd went upstairs and knocked on Wayne’s door to find Wayne gluing Warhammer models together. Gawd pretended to ignore this sight, for Gawd was Wayne’s creator and best buddy, and Wayne’s flaws were also his flaws. Gawd told Wayne about the double date and about the reservation at Dave & Busters that Friday night. But, Wayne was stoic and cold and said: “I can’t. I’m busy that night.” A little flustered, Gawd asked: “What could you possibly doing that night? Woman’s really into you!”

“No,” replied Wayne. “Woman likes Man.” Gawd, being a caring God, pressed the issue further. “No, Pauline talked to her dude. She’s going to be there. So you better be!” But, Wayne could not be convinced despite all the ball breaking Gawd had to do to get Pauline to convince Woman to show up for the date. Wayne turned to Gawd, gesturing to the model in his hand, and replied: “I have to finish my Warhammer Carnifex Brood that night. There’s a tourney on Saturday.” And Gawd replied: “Oh, there’s a ‘tourney’ on Saturday huh?”

A moment of silence passed between the two. Gawd looked upon Wayne and then upon the Tyranid Carnifex Brood and then back upon Wayne. And Gawd, being of a sane mind and sound intent at the time of the incident, smote the Tyranid Carnifex Brood all across the floor in anger. “You’re going asshole.” Gawd raged and stormed from the room. “Great, just great. It took me two weeks to outbid for that! Great!” Wayne spat, in anger. And Gawd poked his head back into Wayne’s room and yelled: “Yeah, it is great!”

“You’re paying for that!” Wayne called. “Fuck you! I just did you a fucking favor!” Gawd yelled back and slammed the door to Wayne’s room, smiting again some of the Legos Wayne had placed on the wall to display.

Wayne sat there red in the face for a moment. Then, he brought up Woman’s facebook profile and consented a nod of approval after viewing several dozen of Woman’s profile pics. And Gawd saw this and that it was good and not creepy at all. 

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Waynepocalypse 4

…And now, another excerpt from the marginally ignored novella: Waynepocalypse.

Some time later, Gawd started hanging out with Wayne because Man and Gawd were fighting and Man was being a total dick screen peeker even after he promised not to.

One day, Gawd was walking through his garden but couldn’t find Wayne anywhere. Then, Gawd heard strange sounds coming from the azalia bushes. Startled, Gawd crept closer to the sounds and peered through the bushes and there was Wayne…Wayning himself all over the place. And Gawd looked upon the face of Wayne and Wayne looked upon the face of Gawd and then Wayne looked down at what he was doing and looked back upon the face of Gawd, horrified. And Wayne cried: “No, it’s not what it looks like!” And Gawd backed away yelling: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” And Gawd left and Wayne hung his head, because for the first time Wayne knew shame. And Gawd also knew Wayne’s shame. And later even friggin’ Pauline knew Wayne’s shame because Gawd tells Pauline everything it’s so annoying.

So, the days passed and Wayne begat Wayne. And then, Wayne begat more Wayne. Soon after, Wayne begat Wayne and he eventually begat more Wayne and Wayne begat Lil’ Wayne. And Lil’ Wayne begat record deals and hospital bills. And eventually, Wayne begat too much Wayne for Gawd to handle and Gawd decided to create Woman for Wayne, so Wayne didn’t have to be so alone and so that he didn’t have to tip toe around his own house when Wayne closed his bedroom door. 

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Waynepocalypse 3

…and now another excerpt from the marginally ignored novella: Waynepocalypse

And Gawd and Man hung out and played Xbox and it was good.

Except Gawd saw Man was screen peeking during a Halo SWAT match and Gawd turned to Man and said: “Dude, don’t be a dick. You may screen peek during any match you desire, but if you ever screen peek again during a SWAT match I will send you away from the garage and you will know what it is to be mortal. And you’ll run into Pauline.”

Gawd quickly added: “And y’know, SWAT is really all about skill and the only way to tell who’s really better.”

And Man nodded his agreement that he would never screen peek during SWAT again. 

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Waynepocalypse 2

…and now, another excerpt from the critically acclaimed novella: “Waynepocalypse”

Finally, after Gawd had fixed himself a mighty snack and because his girlfriend, Pauline, wouldn’t quit nagging Him—Gawd decided to create Man. But every time Gawd sat down to actually do it, Pauline would interrupt him. And lo! What a mouth Pauline had! What a mouth! Gawd, no matter how hard He tried, could never seem to get a word in.

So, Gawd went out to the garage to get some peace and quiet and perhaps to smoke a little hashish. But, wherever Gawd went Pauline would follow.

And Pauline created a Grocery List, and errands to run, and chores to complete. And Pauline knew it was good. But Gawd didn’t.  He thought it was bullshit.

So, on the first day Gawd cleaned the gutters for about half-an-hour. Then, he had a brewski and rested. And it was good.

And Gawd mowed the lawn and yelled at Jerry for stealing their newspaper. And it was good. And that was the first day.

Then, Gawd picked up milk, eggs, and bread for Pauline.

And Gawd finally caught up on Breaking Bad and it was good. Thus ended the second day.

Gawd spent the third day at the fucking mechanic to get the breaks looked at because they were doing “that thing”. And Gawd paced around while the mechanic ripped Him off because Gawd didn’t know enough about cars to disagree. And Gawd wanted to smite the mechanic but held his mighty tongue, because he didn’t want to make a big scene.

And Gawd drove home angrily and the fucking brakes were still doing that fucking thing.

When Gawd got home, He was in no mood for Pauline’s crap. So, he went out to the garage and slept and drank and texted one of his ex-girlfriends from high school and it was good.

On the fourth day, Gawd saw that all his chores were done and Pauline was at work so He finally created Man and Wayne. But, he didn’t mean to create Wayne—that was just an accident after Wayne’s parents’ honeymoon. “We were just celebrating” Wayne’s Mom told him. Thus, Man was created by Gawd and Wayne…by too many 7-Up Shooters.